Beginnings

     All beginnings start with pain. We enter the world causing great pain to our mothers, and the first thing we do is cry. Beginnings are also beautiful. Birth brings new life, similarly each phase of life can be terrifying and thrilling at the same time. Every lifetime is full of beginnings, but each beginning starts with an ending. In Buddhism they call this the concept of impermanence, everything in life is transitory. In Yoga, every session ends in "death" making way for "new birth". I have just transited one such event in a life full of changes, but it's complicated. 

     I just went through a divorce. In my family growing up it was a dirty word. It was a mystery, but a horrible mystery that we never discussed because...it was just too horrible. Statistics be damned, that was never going to happen here. I took this same attitude into my marriage which lasted 27 years. One time, my eldest asked, "Wait, are you ok? Are you and Mom getting a divorce?" and I laughed it off, "Of course we aren't." I was closing my eyes to what was actually going on. It was the second...and third counselors I saw who asked me after I'd done my damndest to be fair in describing my life, without painting myself as a hero (psychologists see through that stuff) or demonizing my former spouse, "When are you going to admit that your marriage is over?" I was doing a lot of heavy lifting in the relationship and was not being met as an equal. I'm not trying to cut anyone down, not even my former spouse, because there's enough negativity in the world.

     As I have grown through life I have functioned as a counselor or mentor to many, and I found myself increasingly saying in reference to anyone's past, "So, what can you change about that?". It wasn't intended as snarky, or demeaning, or diminishing of their feelings, but sort of as a wake up. What can you change about your past? Nothing. You can begin again. Don't get me wrong, the past brings its shadows. If you commit a crime, even if you get your record expunged, there is a chance that someone may find out and that mistake may return to haunt you. If you lash out in anger at someone you love, they may forgive you. People are impacted differently, and some hold grudges. You may find full, immediate forgiveness, or you may find yourself suffering an irreparable lack of trust from the loved one for a long time.

     I am moving forward. I will re-focus on the things that are the most important, and do my best not to be negatively affected by my past. Holding on to the negative in your past is toxic. Don't hold on to the negative, stay positive, be a light to people around you. Be someone you would want to be around. You can decide on a new beginning.